The world's not enough

I lead a good life. I've built it myself and im for most parts proud of it. I try to stand straight for my misstakes and learn from my wrong doings. And the one thing that is always important is that I try my utter most to always be there for my friends. New friends, old friends, my friends friends, friends I've never met, people I've agreed to be friends with.. And I honestly do my utter most and best since I reckon this to be a defining point of character. And because of said statement I am now drinkin wine with one of my friends, condemning the outside world. Not just because it is a generally shitty place and at some point everyone's eventually had enough, but because from my part I have partially lost hope. And I grieve my hope. I want to think good about things - and people. But when the people you really need that from can't provide, you are the one ending up at a loss. I grieve my faith. But am hoping it will return to me, this it not how I want things to be - and things usually turn up my way... eventually.
I would have been there when you needed it though.

For those of you who don't know the story yet. My grandfather is ill. Very ill. He has a chronicle lung obstruction and has now got an infection in his lungs which has rendered him a hospital stay since last sunday. Grandparents in general is always a sore subject I know, but I am serious, there is no other person for me than my grandfather. My brother, my grandmother, my cat, my best friend, I love them all to death, but my own personal universe is centered around my grandfather. He is my first memory. He is the one I talk to everyday on the phone. He is the one and only for me. I can not imagine the same realtionship with anyone - including my children - as to my grandfather. And now a disease is slowly taking his life before my eyes. And I can not do anything. I would give the world up for him, given only the chance. But I can't. And that is eating my insides out.

So if you ask, no, I don't feel at my best right about now. Far from it.